Happy New Year

This year was truly bittersweet. 2012 felt like such a relief for me. We had survived 2011, our first year without Dylan. There were many days that I didn't want to go on and many days that I felt no reason to. But 2012 brought hope. We were pregnant again and had made it through the first 4 months. After losing a child, there is no longer a "safe" time in pregnancy. After all, Dylan had made it to 39 weeks. 39!!! And he still died...

The first five months of 2012 were extremely difficult. I'm not going to lie. Every day I was convinced that Lola was dead. She didn't move enough, she moved too much. I just wanted that baby out of my body where she could be safe. Weird logic, right? This is how loss moms think. Your body becomes more dangerous than the outside world. But, thankfully, Lola made it and arrived safely on May 31st!

And now the sweet part of the year comes in. Lola has brought such happiness to my life that I thought I could never find again. She doesn't even come close to replacing Dylan. That's impossible. She doesn't erase the pain. She doesn't fill the permanent hold in my heart. She does give me a reason to wake up again. She brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. The love I have for her will always be different than my love for Dylan. She will always be my source of hope in the darkest of times.

So, Dylan, I think of you tonight as another year comes to an end. My heart hurts that I can't go upstairs and check on you, see you sleeping peacefully in dinosaur pjs. You will live on through Lola, and I am a better mother because of that.

Happy New Year in heaven, sweet boy!

38 weeks

On this date in 2010, I went to my last doctor's appointment with Dylan. I was 38 weeks and 1 day. It was the last time I heard his heartbeat from inside me. I wasn't dilated, he hadn't "dropped". I remember the doctor saying that it was possible he was a big baby. That freaked me out a little, but I was still looking forward to his birth. I figured we wouldn't be meeting him until after Christmas. As I left the appointment, it had snowed and frozen my windshield. My best friend Melissa was pregnant also, was at her anatomy ultrasound at the same time, and I talked to her while I defrosted my car. She was having a boy, too! I couldn't believe we were both having little boys who would grow up as friends. If only that were true...

I think of this week in history, December 13-18th, 2010, as the last week of my old self. The former Missy, who was a lot more carefree and felt that bad things really did only happen to other people- until they happened to me. The former Missy who never imagined how life-changing having my first baby would be, and how since then I've lived a "new normal". I had no idea how much love I had in me until Dylan arrived or how heart wrenching it is to let your child go.

38 weeks and 1 day. What I would give to go back in time and feel that sweet baby kick me again, rub my belly one last time, dream about what life was going to be like with him here.

And so begins the countdown to his birthday. We will be celebrating, but not like normal families do. We will get together, eat and have cake. But no one will blow out the candles. There won't be presents, noisemakers or party hats. There won't be a birthday boy sitting in a special chair having his picture taken. Instead, he'll be with us in our hearts. I will be wearing my waterproof mascara that day.

Thank you, Dylan

Today I am thankful for all the wonderful things I have: great friends and supportive family, my job and co-workers that I consider friends, a warm home where the bills are paid and there is food in our fridge, 4 furry friends who bring a smile to my face, my crazy husband who loves me despite my faults, and a beautiful baby girl who melts my heart with her big blue eyes. I am thankful for the life that I have, even though it's not what I had ever imagined or planned for. I am thankful for my two beautiful children: one that I held as she fell asleep in my arms tonight; the other who lives on every day in my heart, helping me to be the strong, compassionate, loving and attentive mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend that I am today. Dylan has shown me a side of myself that I never knew existed, and for that, I am truly thankful.

Waterproof mascara

I'm laying in bed, wide awake. Remembering, daydreaming, grieving my sweet boy who should be 22 months old, running around the house, pulling kitty tails, smashing Tonka trucks, kissing his little sister on the cheek. I should be preparing to take both of them Trick-or-Treating on Wednesday- Lola as a goldfish, Dylan as a superhero? Monster? Dinosaur? What would he be? How would I convince him that he can't eat all the candy in one night?

I can see the picture in my head, it's REAL. We should be that family of four- a little boy AND a little girl- perfect, as so many people have told me when I tell them about my two children. Nothing about our life is perfect, though. Lola has brought me joy, happiness and healing, but she also brings great sorrow when I look into her eyes and long for her big brother. She would not be here if it hadn't been for him.

I had no previous plans of getting pregnant 9 months after he was born. We probably would have just started discussing it after his first birthday- instead, I was already 15 weeks pregnant then, grief-stricken and terrified. I am so grateful that we were able to get pregnant again, however, and never took that pregnancy for granted- not for a SINGLE moment!

I still can't comprehend how I am a functioning member of society. A lot of people in my situation would have just crumbled. I often wish that I had, maybe taken a little Valium vacation in my bed. Just checked out for awhile. Perhaps that's why I am always so exhausted and tense. Did I give myself permission to really grieve, or did I hold it all in, causing such deep depression that I thought I would never surface from? It's amazing how the possibility and hope of new life can shake you awake again.

So, as I look down as my sheets, streaked with black, I am reminded that my switch last month to regular mascara was a bit premature. Looks like I'll be heading to Target soon to pick up more waterproof mascara. For some, it's the start of the "most wonderful time of the year". For the Mathewses, it will forever be a season of joy mixed with sorrow. This year we'll be celebrating Lola's first Christmas and Dylan's 2nd birthday.

Someday soon we all will be together,
If the fates allow.
Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.