This past Wednesday we found out that our baby, who we saw on an ultrasound the previous week, no longer had a heartbeat. We will never get to see who baby Sprout was. We will never know if the baby was a boy or a girl. And now the teddy bear I got Noel for Christmas that said "Big Brother" seems really silly, or just really painful.
How does this happen? How have we been pregnant 5 times but only have two living children? Have we won the worst lottery ever? Every time I think "Why me?", I ask myself "Why not me?" What makes me think I'm immune to loss, because I had already lost two babies? That should be a good enough reason, but because I have a lot of friends who are multiple loss parents, I know there is no immunity, no guarantees.
So now what? Where do we go from here? What does the future hold for our family? I wish I knew. I wish we could just stop grieving already! My heart, mind, and body are so tired. However, I will not give up hope. Lola and Noel, my rainbows, gave me that hope, so I will continue to hold on to it.
Oh sweetheart. I'm so incredibly breaking for you. It's not right. I will hold you and your sweet family in my most loving thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI know it's a horrible time for you. I have some thoughts on this from my own research, if you ever want to hear them, it could help this from happening again. That doesn't bring the sweet baby back. But I don't want you to bear this pain ever again.
All my heart,
Stephanie Urban