If Only

I took the kids to Lyndhurst Splash Park today. There was a little boy there, I think his name was Chad, who started playing with Lola, sliding down the water slides.  They were running around with Noel, having fun.  Chad looked like he was about 4 years old and had dark red hair. I spotted his mom; she was a redhead, too. No one would ever believe that I have two redheaded boys.  What are the odds, with parents who don't have red hair?  It was then that I realized Chad could have been you, Dylan.  Same age, same hair color. This is what it would have been like, what it should be like, watching the three of you play together. Thank God for sunglasses because tears were running down my face. Lola was running after him, giggling.  Chasing after her big brother...  

A woman came up to me and asked if they were all siblings. I said no, that Chad wasn't my son.  She remarked that she wondered because they all seemed so close in age. I wanted to say that my kids ARE all that close in age.

Later on, I was sitting at the computer with Lola. She saw the screensaver and said "Aww, it's baby Lola!"  I said no.  Then she said "It's Bubba?"  Nope, try again.  "Oh, it's baby Dylan!"  Yup, your other brother.  Someday she'll understand who you are, Dylan.  You'll always be her big brother, her guardian angel. You will always have a place in our family. Sometimes it feels like a hole, other times it feels like a gift. You have taught us all so much. You have made us realize what's truly important in life.

Today, though, I wanted you here.  I imagined you here.  

Today, I had 3 living children, if only for a brief moment.  If only.