Saturday, July 16, 2011

How do I make him proud?

I've been struggling a lot over the past almost 7 months on how to make Dylan proud of me.  I feel like all I do with my time is work, play on my phone and cry.  Not exactly what I thought I would be doing in 2011.  I had expected this year to be full of Dylan's first year of life.  I am constantly imagining what he'd be doing right now, what I would be doing with him, instead of whatever it is that I am doing at that moment.  It's as if 2010 never existed, and Tom and I are newlyweds again.  It's bizarre.  We had spent so much time planning for him and just expecting him to be here.  He was a sure thing.  Now what?  How do I use what has happened for some type of good?  How do I make sure that his life has some meaning and purpose?  I want to know that he's watching me and smiling.

4 comments:

  1. He chose YOU. I think that says a lot :)
    There are no guarantees in anything. I have no idea what it's like to be a newlywed, but I'm betting it's pretty special.
    Don't be so hard on yourself. Healing comes as it is ready. No need to rush it.

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  2. I agree with Holly; don't be so hard on yourself. Take it day by day. When you're ready, perhaps you can be a shoulder to cry on and an ear for someone else who loses a child. I'm sure that would make your son proud.

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  3. I think he's proud of you for just surviving. Living and breathing without your child is no easy task. You will find that path that best honors Dylan's memory at the right moment in the right time. Be gentle on yourself. Keeping you and Tom in my prayers. xo

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  4. I had this big long thoughtful comment, but when I hit submit it got lost. Ugh.
    My basic reaction to this is that he IS proud of you, every single day, for surviving this. You honor his life by living yours and showing him that a parent's love transcends life and death

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