Waterproof mascara

I'm laying in bed, wide awake. Remembering, daydreaming, grieving my sweet boy who should be 22 months old, running around the house, pulling kitty tails, smashing Tonka trucks, kissing his little sister on the cheek. I should be preparing to take both of them Trick-or-Treating on Wednesday- Lola as a goldfish, Dylan as a superhero? Monster? Dinosaur? What would he be? How would I convince him that he can't eat all the candy in one night?

I can see the picture in my head, it's REAL. We should be that family of four- a little boy AND a little girl- perfect, as so many people have told me when I tell them about my two children. Nothing about our life is perfect, though. Lola has brought me joy, happiness and healing, but she also brings great sorrow when I look into her eyes and long for her big brother. She would not be here if it hadn't been for him.

I had no previous plans of getting pregnant 9 months after he was born. We probably would have just started discussing it after his first birthday- instead, I was already 15 weeks pregnant then, grief-stricken and terrified. I am so grateful that we were able to get pregnant again, however, and never took that pregnancy for granted- not for a SINGLE moment!

I still can't comprehend how I am a functioning member of society. A lot of people in my situation would have just crumbled. I often wish that I had, maybe taken a little Valium vacation in my bed. Just checked out for awhile. Perhaps that's why I am always so exhausted and tense. Did I give myself permission to really grieve, or did I hold it all in, causing such deep depression that I thought I would never surface from? It's amazing how the possibility and hope of new life can shake you awake again.

So, as I look down as my sheets, streaked with black, I am reminded that my switch last month to regular mascara was a bit premature. Looks like I'll be heading to Target soon to pick up more waterproof mascara. For some, it's the start of the "most wonderful time of the year". For the Mathewses, it will forever be a season of joy mixed with sorrow. This year we'll be celebrating Lola's first Christmas and Dylan's 2nd birthday.

Someday soon we all will be together,
If the fates allow.
Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.