Happy New Year

This year was truly bittersweet. 2012 felt like such a relief for me. We had survived 2011, our first year without Dylan. There were many days that I didn't want to go on and many days that I felt no reason to. But 2012 brought hope. We were pregnant again and had made it through the first 4 months. After losing a child, there is no longer a "safe" time in pregnancy. After all, Dylan had made it to 39 weeks. 39!!! And he still died...

The first five months of 2012 were extremely difficult. I'm not going to lie. Every day I was convinced that Lola was dead. She didn't move enough, she moved too much. I just wanted that baby out of my body where she could be safe. Weird logic, right? This is how loss moms think. Your body becomes more dangerous than the outside world. But, thankfully, Lola made it and arrived safely on May 31st!

And now the sweet part of the year comes in. Lola has brought such happiness to my life that I thought I could never find again. She doesn't even come close to replacing Dylan. That's impossible. She doesn't erase the pain. She doesn't fill the permanent hold in my heart. She does give me a reason to wake up again. She brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. The love I have for her will always be different than my love for Dylan. She will always be my source of hope in the darkest of times.

So, Dylan, I think of you tonight as another year comes to an end. My heart hurts that I can't go upstairs and check on you, see you sleeping peacefully in dinosaur pjs. You will live on through Lola, and I am a better mother because of that.

Happy New Year in heaven, sweet boy!