This past Wednesday we found out that our baby, who we saw on an ultrasound the previous week, no longer had a heartbeat. We will never get to see who baby Sprout was. We will never know if the baby was a boy or a girl. And now the teddy bear I got Noel for Christmas that said "Big Brother" seems really silly, or just really painful.
How does this happen? How have we been pregnant 5 times but only have two living children? Have we won the worst lottery ever? Every time I think "Why me?", I ask myself "Why not me?" What makes me think I'm immune to loss, because I had already lost two babies? That should be a good enough reason, but because I have a lot of friends who are multiple loss parents, I know there is no immunity, no guarantees.
So now what? Where do we go from here? What does the future hold for our family? I wish I knew. I wish we could just stop grieving already! My heart, mind, and body are so tired. However, I will not give up hope. Lola and Noel, my rainbows, gave me that hope, so I will continue to hold on to it.
