December 18th, 2010

On the night you were born,
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.
So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.
It sailed through the farmland
High on the breeze…
Over the ocean…
And through the trees…
Until everyone heard it
And everyone knew
Of the one and only ever you.
Not once had there been such eyes,
Such a nose,
Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
When the polar bears heard,
They danced until dawn.
From faraway places,
The geese flew home.
The moon stayed up until
Morning next day.
And none of the ladybugs flew away.
So whenever you doubt just how special you are
And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
Listen for geese honking high in the sky.
(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)
Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)
Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day,
Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,
It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.


~ Nancy Tillman


Sigh. I will never forget that night- what I was doing, the snow on the ground, the fear, the sound of the ambulance, the EMT telling me I was going to become a mommy, the overhead lights in the hospital, the mask going over my face, and then waking up to find out that Dylan had survived.

I've worked through a lot of the trauma, but how do I come to terms with never getting to see my baby grow up? How am I supposed to accept that he'll never actually be here to celebrate his birthday? I don't know. I guess I don't have a choice.

Baby Squirt

We found out that on October 5th that Dylan is going to be a big brother.  Talk about bittersweet.  We have wanted this since February and it seemed to take forever.  I know our hearts needed some time to heal before we could open them up to another baby.  Sometimes it still feels too soon.  Dylan's birthday is in 17 days; Christmas in 24; the baby is now 12 weeks and I am moving into the second trimester.  I have so many emotions running through me and so many thoughts clouding my head; I'm not even sure how to separate them anymore.  I feel so torn between trying to find positivity and be excited about this new life and grieving my sweet baby whose life was cut way too short.  I am beyond terrified of something happening to this baby, too, but for the most part, it is all out of my control.  The past year has felt totally out of my control, and I hate it.  I have to believe that we will have a happy outcome this time, but I have to convince myself of that daily.  Dylan is the Squid.  This baby is the Squirt.  We hope to meet the Squirt in 6 months or less, and we hope to bring this baby home to Dylan's nursery, happy and healthy.  Safe and sound.