It's a Boy!

This day last year I was a nervous wreck.  We were scheduled for our 20 week anatomy scan, and I was so afraid of something being wrong with the baby.  I didn't care what the gender was, but I had a feeling it was a boy.  I remember tearing up in the waiting room because I was so scared.  Then when we saw our baby on the big screen, swimming around, holding his legs with his hands and sticking his butt out at us, I couldn't help but smile and laugh.  I was so relieved.  Baby Mathews was perfect and a little boy!  We left the office with 3 pictures and huge grins.  I went home and texted about 90 people to let them know.  I went to Babies R Us and bought him a few things to celebrate.  What a happy day.

Now, one year later, I am so sad thinking back.  I thought once we got past that hurdle and everything was okay, that Dylan was a sure thing.  I never imagined that I would lose him.  I read horror stories about it, but never thought it would end up being me.  Dylan was absolutely perfect, but my body failed him.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know, well hope, that I didn't do anything to cause his death, but it doesn't make my guilt as his mother any easier.  However, I am grateful for this memory today.  I hope that I will always remember how happy I was then.

7 Months...

This time 7 months ago I was completely unaware of the crap that was about to become my life.  Dylan was born on 12/18/10 at 9:28 p.m. after I abrupted approximately 50 minutes before.  I thought my water had broken and I was so excited.  How can life change so violently in only seconds?  I knew he was going to die.  I had read the baby books.  I have a sister who is a labor and delivery nurse.  I knew that hemorrhaging meant he wasn't getting oxygen.  I wanted the EMTs to move faster.  Why did they keep asking me stupid questions life my birthdate and social security number?  Just get this baby out of me or he will die!  He didn't have a chance.  He wasn't meant to be.

I hate that I couldn't come home from work tonight and hug and kiss him.  I hate that this house is always so quiet when I know it should be filled with crying and babbling.  I hate that I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I know I used to smile and enjoy life.  Where did that Missy go?  She's with Dylan and I don't know if she's ever coming back.

 I love you baby boy.  Hope you're enjoying marking 7 months in heaven.  xoxo

How do I make him proud?

I've been struggling a lot over the past almost 7 months on how to make Dylan proud of me.  I feel like all I do with my time is work, play on my phone and cry.  Not exactly what I thought I would be doing in 2011.  I had expected this year to be full of Dylan's first year of life.  I am constantly imagining what he'd be doing right now, what I would be doing with him, instead of whatever it is that I am doing at that moment.  It's as if 2010 never existed, and Tom and I are newlyweds again.  It's bizarre.  We had spent so much time planning for him and just expecting him to be here.  He was a sure thing.  Now what?  How do I use what has happened for some type of good?  How do I make sure that his life has some meaning and purpose?  I want to know that he's watching me and smiling.