So today would have been our third child's due date. Such a difficult time for me right now; so many emotions. How do I mourn a child that I never got to celebrate? How do I not fall into the pit when I'm pregnant again and need to keep my head as sane as possible? I imagined Dylan talking to me tonight, telling me that he's taking care of Shrimp and not to worry. I never really worry about them; I know they are safe and loved. I'm just sad for them, for us, for our family. When you picture your future family, you never envision that you'll have more children in heaven than on earth. It just doesn't seem right or fair. I believe that Dylan would want me to focus my attention on raising Lola and getting Speck here safe and sound. But...the pit is never far away. I just posted a link a couple days ago to a woman who wrote that being pregnant with a rainbow baby is like tight-rope walking over hell, hoping not to fall in. I also know some loss moms who liken it to jumping off a cliff blindfolded. My sentiments exactly.
So how do we mark Shrimp's due date? I guess the best thing we can do is be a family: hold the child that we do have here and give her lots of kisses, while we hold the children that we don't have here in our hearts. And Speck? Lucky for me, I get to "hold" him all day long.
